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Get That Sweet Ass To A Nunnery
Written by Kassie. Originally performed at Because American Pie Did Give Me Serious Doubt About Pie; reprised during the SSSF Auction in 2009 Original Cast Narrator: Tony Hamlet: Sarah Horatio: Caroline Ophelia: Tamarah Laertes: Zach King: Christina Queen: Liam Marcellus: Nikki Rosencrantz & Guildenstern: Moshe Fortinbras, Prince of Norway: Kassie Note for Reading/Performance For the most part, the actors playing the various parts in their stories act out things whilst the narrator narrates. Online jargon and faces should be real literally – e.g., :( = “sadface,” lol is read either as a word or letter-by-letter, and either neutrally or with complete enthusiasm. All of Hamlet’s lines should be shouted as though he is in extreme anguish; Rosencrantz and Guildenstern can easily be played by one person who uses a creative prop/costume piece to distinguish between characters. Text of the Piece NARRATOR: Hamlet joined the group “Brooding Emo Princes Who Wear A Lot of Black.” (beat.) Horatio… HORATIO: HATES cold weather and ghosts who don’t talk to you. NARRATOR: The king… KING: Thinks Hamlet is being a whiny sissy. NARRATOR: The queen wrote on Hamlet’s wall: QUEEN: Honeylovemunchkin, won’t you please wear something other than black? It makes you look so washed out. NARRATOR: Hamlet… HAMLET: LIKES WEARING BLACK, OKAY? NARRATOR: The king commented on Hamlet’s status: KING: Take a chill pill, k? NARRATOR: Hamlet… HAMLET: THINKS EVERYONE SHOULD JUST STOP JUDGING HIM, K? NARRATOR: The king poked the queen. (beat.) The queen poked the king back! (beat.) Hamlet and the king… HAMLET, KING: ARE NO LONGER FRIENDS! NARRATOR: Hamlet and the queen… HAMLET, QUEEN: ARE NO LONGER FRIENDS! NARRATOR: Horatio commented on Hamlet’s status: HORATIO: I’m not judging you. :( Also, I might have seen your father last night. NARRATOR: Hamlet wrote on Horatio’s wall: HAMLET: OMG HORATIO I AM GOING OUT WITH YOU TONIGHT. NARRATOR: Ophelia added “brooding princes” to her interests. (beat.) Laertes… LAERTES: Is suspicious of Hamlet and Horatio. NARRATOR: Ophelia… OPHELIA: Thinks Laertes is reading too much into things. NARRATOR: Hamlet… HAMLET: JUST SAW A GHOST OMG AND HE KNOWS WHAT HE MUST DO. NARRATOR: Marcellus… MARCELLUS: Is pretty sure something’s rotten here… NARRATOR: Ophelia… OPHELIA: Just saw Hamlet in his underoos omg! NARRATOR: The queen… QUEEN: Is worried about Hamlet. :( NARRATOR: Polonius commented on the Queen’s status: POLONIUS: Hamlet’s crazy! …CRAZY IN LOVE! NARRATOR: Ophelia wrote on Polonius’s wall: OPHELIA: omg, Daddy, do you really think so? NARRATOR: Polonius wrote on Ophelia’s wall: POLONIUS: Of course I do, Muffin. He’s totally digging on you. NARRATOR: Hamlet wrote on Polonius’s wall: HAMLET: OMG FISHMONGER? NARRATOR: Rosencrantz wrote on Hamlet’s wall: ROSENCRANTZ: So how’s that underage tail treatin’ ya? NARRATOR: Hamlet wrote on Rosencrantz’s wall: HAMLET: OMFG I HATE IT HERE SO MUCH. NARRATOR: Guildenstern wrote on Hamlet’s wall: GUILDENSTERN: SURPRISE VISIT! NARRATOR: Hamlet… HAMLET: Has his suspicions. :\ NARRATOR: Rosencrantz commented on Hamlet’s status: ROSENCRANTZ: :( NARRATOR: Guildenstern commented on Hamlet’s status: GUILDENSTERN: FAIL! :( NARRATOR: Hamlet… HAMLET: Wonders if he should exist. Or not. NARRATOR: Horatio… HORATIO: Is worried about Hamlet. NARRATOR: Ophelia commented on Hamlet’s status: OPHELIA: omg don’t kill yourself! <3 NARRATOR: Hamlet wrote on Ophelia’s wall: HAMLET: WHORE. NARRATOR: Ophelia wrote on Hamlet’s wall: OPHELIA: omg baby are you off your meds again? :( <3 NARRATOR: Hamlet wrote on Ophelia’s wall: HAMLET: GET THEE TO A NUNNERY! NARRATOR: Ophelia wrote on Hamlet’s wall: OPHELIA: OMG I KNEW IT, YOU ARE OFF YOUR MEDS! NARRATOR: Hamlet wrote on Ophelia’s wall: HAMLET: BITCH DIDN’T YOU HEAR ME? GET THAT SWEET ASS TO A NUNNERY! NARRATOR: It’s complicated between Hamlet and Ophelia. (beat.) Ophelia… OPHELIA: Has an epic sad! :( NARRATOR: Ophelia removed “brooding princes” from her interests. (beat.) Laertes… LAERTES: Does a victory dance! NARRATOR: Hamlet posted an event: HAMLET: A Play That's Totally Fictional and In No Way About My Family. NARRATOR: The king wrote on the wall for Hamlet’s event: KING: What is wrong with you? NARRATOR: Polonius… POLONIUS: Thinks this curtain is a good thing to hide behind! NARRATOR: Polonius… POLONIUS: Has left Facebook. NARRATOR: Hamlet added England to the Places I’ve Been Application. (beat.) The queen… QUEEN: Is worried about Ophelia… NARRATOR: Ophelia… OPHELIA: Loves flowers. Flowers flowers flowers flowers flowers. Oh, look, a river. NARRATOR: Ophelia joined the group “Maidens Who Don’t Float.” (beat.) Laertes… LAERTES: Wonders what the hell happened while he was away. NARRATOR: Hamlet wrote on Laertes’s wall: HAMLET: You, me. Duel to the death. 3 PM. NARRATOR: Laertes wrote on Hamlet’s wall: LAERTES: Oh, it’s on bitch! NARRATOR: The king sent Hamlet a gift: glass of wine! (beat.) The queen… QUEEN: Likes wine! NARRATOR: The queen… QUEEN: Has left Facebook. NARRATOR: The king… KING: …oh crap. NARRATOR: Laertes poked Hamlet with a sword. (beat.) Hamlet stabbed Laertes. (beat.) Hamlet wrote on Laertes’s wall: HAMLET: PWND BITCH. NARRATOR: Laertes wrote on Hamlet’s wall: LAERTES: LOL YOU TOO! NARRATOR: The king… KING: Wonders where Rosencrantz and Guildenstern got off to… NARRATOR: Hamlet commented on the king’s status: HAMLET: ROSENCRANTZ AND GUILDENSTERN ARE DEAD! NARRATOR: Hamlet stabbed the King. (beat.) The king… KING: Has left Facebook. NARRATOR: Laertes… LAERTES: Has left Facebook. NARRATOR: Hamlet wrote on Horatio’s wall: HAMLET: DON’T FORGET MEEEEEEEE! <3 NARRATOR: Hamlet… HAMLET: Has left Facebook. NARRATOR: Horatio… HORATIO: Is suicidal. :( NARRATOR: Fortinbras, Prince of Norway, commented on Horatio’s status: FORTINBRAS: LOL, NO YOU’RE NOT! YOU’RE NORWEGIAN! NARRATOR: Fortinbras, Prince of Norway, joined the network “Denmark.” (beat.) Denmark is now Norwegian. Category:Pieces